My ‘Gaycation’ experienc

I was one of those queers that stayed in the closet for so long, the denial created an idea that I was straight and if not straight, bisexual. My come out was in phases, which were themed by a lot of fear of what I would discover about myself. As a matter of fact, I ‘came out’ because I was tired of being in the closet. You know those moments you keep on denying something, like say your laundry, till your closet in empty and the dirty clothes start bugging you, it was my exact experience. I was tired of dating men, where I would be drawn to women more that they did, we would be walking in the streets, and my eyes follow a woman’s ass for so long till the guy starts questioning what is up with me. I was tired of praying this ‘affliction’ out, and it only got worse.

Although coming out is one thing, the other is discovering this whole new community of queers that share passionately about pussy as you are, and there is no judgment whatsoever. The labels, dang it! That shit kept on confusing me, I had to sit down one day and do my research. For a moment I was to ask Google if there is a lesbian manual, which could help me navigate through this new found community. Plus at that moment you don’t want to be the one asking, what a stud is, for the reactions from people always made me feel like less of a lesbian for not knowing. I would say that I was lucky that the first couple of queers I met introduced me to this dope LGBTQI organization, which created a safe space for me to meet people, get to figure out my queer self and even get access to material to help me in the same. I discovered I was so much attracted to the studs more than femmes, which considering I was a tomboy was stigmatized, so I never pursued it. Here I was with this low-key crushes that I could not pursue since I was not confident, I just got here, so I don’t want to lose a friend because of this ‘weird’ relationship and most of my crushes talked ill of the stud for stud relationships. We hit the club one time, and I notice this lovely lady, whom we started dancing with and exchanging a few words on the dance floor. We exchanged phone numbers and got to texting, which leads to my first lesbian relationship that happened hella fast. We went from strangers to partners real quick, quicker than I expected.My first girlfriend gave me the wrong idea of relationships, where since I was the tomboy she assumed that should provide, pamper her, pay her bills and all that. I have mortified because I was just a student, I could barely feed myself let alone spend my money on my girlfriend, so I called it off.

After a couple of relationships that did not last more than three months, I decided to take a chill pill, relax and focus for a real bit. In my period of reflection, I realized I do not give a fuck about labels; I love women however they come and regardless of what their identity. I began to detest the heteronormative mindset behind stud and femme relationships, where I could see studs domesticating their femmes that to me was just an evolved form of patriarchy. Just because you dress a certain way and consider yourself dominate, it does not mean you are in any way superior to your fellow women. I discovered that I don’t want to identify with any label, for I am a free spirit that can not be boxed into one thing. It dawned on me that I should not rush into a relationship, in as much as, women get emotionally entangled fast, that I should take time and get to know someone.

I wish I could tell you that after the discoveries I found myself the love of my life, and we are soon celebration our second anniversary, but it is not the case. I have been single for the longest time, not because there is no one but because I am choosy as fuck. I believe love is not just something that should just be taken for granted and given to anyone. I am one of those old souls that believe in connection, and spiritual sparks, which may be why am still single, a statement I hear a lot from my friends. What most people do not understand is that there is peace in being single, where you are not in a hurry for anything, not desperate, you just want life to play itself out. In other words, I want to see what Cupid has in store for me, and as I wait am making peace with my demons and trying to form an M.O.U with them.