Reflections of the day

In life most times you lose things, people, investments that you had high hopes in.
Your "plan A" can crumble into tiny little pieces that are unrecognizable after. Your soul mate may become your worst nightmare. Your billion dollar business may go down the liquidation road.
That's just how life goes sometimes, it breaks us in half though. The interesting thing about it all is even when it all goes down to the drain, you still hope and pray a miracle will happen and make it all come back.
You believe it so strongly every day you drag yourself out of bed with that hope, stay in the dark eating ice cream hoping, watch that favorite sad movie that you have watched a million times feasting on over cooked popcorn.
You even start operating on denial where you operate like everything is okay. But after a few months or years sadly it hits you, it's all gone and lost. You soul mate ain't coming back, you business ain't miraculous going to go back to where it was, the loved one you lost won't come back, the house you are about to lose a rich stranger won't pay off your mortgage.
It's just what we call a fall people, and as much as we talk of getting up after a fall. Most never actually do it, most just give up after.

What if though, we always have a "plan B", easier said than done right?
At the back of your mind try to have room for disappointment, failure, heart breaks, lose of a loved one(s), bankruptcy. Just a place to fall back up to, a safe house to run away to.
It just something I have been thinking about and if only we make it practical. Practice the "plan B"  idea. Am planning on it,and I dare you to try it out too.
All the best dolls.

A long awaited confession

My dear queer self,
I have always been aware of your existence since I made out with my neighbor(girl) in class two.
Guess you wanted to show yourself present that early huh?
But after sometime, when I actually became aware that you in me makes me different. I froze and I started pushing you to extinction.
Oh! How I tried you know it....
I thought I succeeded until you came back in high school.
When I would look at girls and just go insane, when I had this huge crush for my classmate. Oh! Those lips would take away my sanity. I wanted them so bad but I just couldn't gather the courage.
You really proved your point then and I was afraid you would just become dominant. I freaked a lot at that, especially when i started getting hit on. I knew they started to see you in me.
With the way I was raised, I didn't want that. Especially with how other queers were treated, I feared it.
So I dedicated all my time to books, I went to catechism. Lol. I really did. I got my sacraments and all. I was reading the Bible in church. Hanging out with the priest and sisters.
I would condemn you out so hard for a moment there I thought you were actually gone.
What a rough journey you would say...
As if that wasn't enough I got saved in university, my spirituality was at a 100 if that exists. I would speak in tongues and all those motions of Christians. I was even an official in the Christian union. Trust me that is like the ultimate sign of a strong Christian.
You would think with all this and from the stories I heard that you would be "christian-ed" out of me.
They said it is against the Bible and God didn't approve of you.
They said it was a great sin...
Oh! How I attend the seminars and conferences calling you an abomination.
I even listened to spoken words by people who had acknowledged you but God saved them from you. And now they are married to a guy.
I believed it I really did.
But when I would be chilling with my bff(strong Christian)  and all I could think about is kissing the heaven out of her, fondling those awesomely round boobs and make her call my name. Moaning  out of pleasure. God! I would give it to her.
Then it hit me you are still alive and kicking, and obviously "hungry".
Then I thought of starting to see if the "D"  would make you go away. I dated, had FWBs, boottycalls  at speed dial.
But it only made you more alive in me, then one day it's like there was a coup de tout inside me. And the whole inside of me changed. Whatever was dominant in me you completely overtook.
I suddenly didn't feel anything for a men, but for women I felt a lot of things. Some guy I even had feelings for at that time , they completely went away.
And as if you had planned this all along, I suddenly had loads of friends who are like me.
I must say I have never been so happy in my life, at peace and liberated. You being a dominant quality in me is one thing I will never regret.
I suddenly feel like a caged animal who has been made free after a very long long time.
And trust me, am never trying to push you away, point proven, you are here to stay.
In a country like Kenya, where the LGBT community is small and faces a lot of rejection. I mean just the other day they banned a remix video of same love by macklemore and Ryan Lewis,  made by art attack. Which was bringing out the struggle of gay people in Kenya. Moreover, the other day I even read a story of a girl here who got raped by her colleagues at work. Then they left her a note:
DON'T BE GAY IT'S A FILTHY SIN
That's the country we living in, while others are freely getting married in South Africa and the states. That is happening in Kenya.
It shall be hard but with the happiness I feel with you being a main part of me. We shall make it through.
You are me and I am you.
Always and forever a part of each other.
Nothing will tear us apart, even if we finally decide to come out to our family. And they disown us or something like that.
We have been through it all together and trust me am never letting you go or become extinct in me.
It's you and me my queer self.

Yours with love,

Jarkie.

A means to an end

Hello everyone, it has been long since I posted anything,  I won't lie that I have been busy or anything. It is just that I love posting something that really burns in me. A fellow writer would relate to this,  there is that piece that you can't just let go without writing it. Well, am happy to report I got one.
When I started out this blog I was a staunch Christian, I was those people in Long skirts always carrying a Bible around lol. Whenever I look back I just but laugh, but the point was not spiritual stuff it was just day to day struggles. Many will note the Bible verses I quoted back then, not that I can't quote them now. It is just that I used to do it just to give it a spiritual touch, so my Christian friends don't go rebuking me. You know those right?
Back then I was so much invested in people's opinion, their thoughts of me and what nots. Trust me it's the worst way to live life,  always waiting for approval.
Thankfully though, I have gotten out of that oppressive phase and now am real to myself and I always put my happiness first.
Not to mention, I have greatly matured since then, both as a writer and a person. This blog was meant to be a platform for me to showcase my writing skills and passion. I bet I have been doing just that.
Before this gets too long, this post was meant to be for a different topic. One that I have struggled with for a lifetime. Yes, that long.
It is as vulnerable as it gets and it might provoke all kinds of responses. But, I have thought about it and I have to let this burning piece out. If you don't wish to associate with me, y'all fake friends it's all good. For at the end of the day is about me and what I am as a person.
Mum,am glad you don't know I have a blog cause I ain't ready for you to read this just yet. Although,  if you do it's all good, it will have saved me a very awkward conversation.
To all my relatives who might get to read this, am still the same jarkie.
To all my classmates, I will try and adapt to the awkward looks and weird glances.
To my Christian friends, keep the Bible verses coming lol, I always read them before I delete.
One blogger once said that, there is nothing as freeing as being as vulnerable and as honest as you can get in your blog. And I agree with him 100%,there is just some liberation that comes with it. That's why I wanna do it even though it might turn out bad.
Lemme get right to it. I will write it inform of a letter. But in a different post coming real soon, this has gotten too long. Since am one person who dislikes reading a long post I will make it short you y'all by leaving it at that.
Love you all my faithful readers.