The rants of a hopeless romantic.

Is it wrong that I want the fairy tale?
That I want that love so strong it can melt snow, that I want that love so hot it heats up everything, love so bright it lights more than the sky
Is it wrong that I am a hopeless romantic? I love so deep and loyal to the bone, that I am choosy I have a type but I don't consider her miss right, I don't mind if she has flaws, I have them two, God knows that I love the broken ones.
Is it wrong that my standards are high? That I want someone who gets me and understands what am about. Am a deep human being and I view love in a deep level
Yes, I have given up so many times and just settle but it never lasts... I sit down and my dreams haunt me and the guilt of breaking someone's heart and lying to them kills me inside.
Is it wrong that even after numerous heart breaks I still hope?  I still believe in love no matter how much I deny it,i believe in relationships.
My friends keep asking me why am still single?  Why I let that one go she was nice? Why am not even trying?... If only they knew am trying, just that what I want I don't seem to get.... If only they knew I had many potentials but they just weren't what I want... Am not saying am special, that I deserve only the best, all am saying is I was made choosy and I seem to only be comfortable being single in hope that pretending to be happy in a forced relationship.
Is it wrong to me?
I believe not.
I will keep waiting,my single-satisfied-self will hold on and let life play out.

THAT MATRIMONIAL LOVE WE ONCE ADMIRED.

We exist in a time that love is the word that is just thrown around, relationships are founded on aspects other than love. People replace girlfriends and boyfriends like a meaningless ugly dress you don’t fancy to wear anymore. Fortunately am one of those old souls that still value love and treat it with the respect that it should be accorded. Here is a piece of my heart on it, in the form of a letter:

Dear soulmate,

I know you are out there may be thinking about me and imagining me next to you as much as I am

I know in your mind you are imaginatively jotting down a list of things you hope you will find in me, as I am.

I know it sounds off and rather psychotic, but well in that case cupid got you a psycho for a soulmate

I hope you are saving yourself as I am,

Many have come my way, I have been tempted to settle but I remember that you are out there,

The worst that can happen is for you to find me trapped in a relationship that makes me miserable.

I hope you love watching “The Voice” like I do, cry during playoffs as you connect to the music lyrics

I hope you imagine me when you listen to a perfectly written love song,

I hope you value love as I do not just as a choice of love but as a treasure,

I hope you love watching big bang theory as I do and laugh at the nerdy jokes coz you get them,

I hope life has taught you as many lessons as it has done me,

Am not hoping you are my doppelgänger, but that would be super cool but I don’t think the world is ready for two of me.

I dream about you a lot,                   

The dates we will go to getting to know each other,

How we will meet and click and connect,

How we will hold out until the 5^th date,

How we will lie on grass staring at the moon and stars listening to music,

How we take walks and have deep talks about artificial intelligence and how robots will take over.

Sometimes I think am just a hopeless romantic who is asking the universe for too much.

That maybe the countless heartbreaks and struggle with my sexuality should have taught me something.

A friend of mine reminds me that it's only when I find peace with being single and alone that I actually meet you.

It pretty hard, though, especially when everyone around you has someone to love them.

I try not to compare myself to them and keep focused on the future and building myself; working on my issues and struggles in life.

Surprisingly I strongly feel that my issues would be a big deal to you coz you will have already connected with m telepathically.

I never believed in love really, the whole Eros affair was just a sham to me.

However, instead of becoming more of a non-believer as a result of all the heartbreaks I have gone through, ii have become a believer in a love so strong no one can redirect it or control it.

I have learned to respect love, not to rush it, not to force just let it take its course…it may hurt sometimes but it is all worth it.

So, my love wherever you are, I have loads of nicknames for you, hilarious ones at that

I hope I one day I get to share this with you, my heart poured out in vulnerability.

Is it weird or creepy that I miss you? Guess no maybe you are too.

I will try not to make the mistakes I have made before trying to force someone else to be you because am getting impatient, I will keep on strong though in this world people don’t seem to rally value the word love and its intensity.

I will wait

As I am waiting I will hold on to love though every single love experience I have had is a warning against it.

I will wait even though am forcibly hooked up to people who cannot match up to you.

I will wait for I believe you are out there somewhere, I can feel it deeply and strongly in my spirit.

My biggest prayer of all is that; you will wait for me as well

Yours loving,

Jay.

the truth that is me

all I wanted is for her to say the words once again and to beg once again
all I wanted was to see her pull me towards her and beg do not go just yet
all I wanted was to look into her tear stained face and say I never wanted to leave in the first place
all I wanted to say is you deserve better, a pure soul, a selfless spirit, a kind heart
how you deserve better
am nothing but a pile of broken pieces of what was me
all I wanted to say was I do not really deserve you, you couldn't heal me even if you tried
all I wanted to do is give her what she needed not what she wanted
all I wanted to do is make myself a better person maybe then just maybe I would be half of what she deserves
but all I knew was, I couldn't be that for her
so I left silently hoping the scars that have made me this way will find a healing hand
for all I wanted was to look at the blue sky and dream again
maybe then the pain of letting her go would be a little bit less painful
you would think I would be used to the pain by now
for all I knew were heartache and pain
but I guess pain will never get used to me as I am it
for all I wanted was to sleep and never wake up
all, all......all I wanted was to go to another dimension maybe my doppelganger has a better life there

for all I wanted was to escape the reality that is today..........

Reflections of the day

In life most times you lose things, people, investments that you had high hopes in.
Your "plan A" can crumble into tiny little pieces that are unrecognizable after. Your soul mate may become your worst nightmare. Your billion dollar business may go down the liquidation road.
That's just how life goes sometimes, it breaks us in half though. The interesting thing about it all is even when it all goes down to the drain, you still hope and pray a miracle will happen and make it all come back.
You believe it so strongly every day you drag yourself out of bed with that hope, stay in the dark eating ice cream hoping, watch that favorite sad movie that you have watched a million times feasting on over cooked popcorn.
You even start operating on denial where you operate like everything is okay. But after a few months or years sadly it hits you, it's all gone and lost. You soul mate ain't coming back, you business ain't miraculous going to go back to where it was, the loved one you lost won't come back, the house you are about to lose a rich stranger won't pay off your mortgage.
It's just what we call a fall people, and as much as we talk of getting up after a fall. Most never actually do it, most just give up after.

What if though, we always have a "plan B", easier said than done right?
At the back of your mind try to have room for disappointment, failure, heart breaks, lose of a loved one(s), bankruptcy. Just a place to fall back up to, a safe house to run away to.
It just something I have been thinking about and if only we make it practical. Practice the "plan B"  idea. Am planning on it,and I dare you to try it out too.
All the best dolls.

A long awaited confession

My dear queer self,
I have always been aware of your existence since I made out with my neighbor(girl) in class two.
Guess you wanted to show yourself present that early huh?
But after sometime, when I actually became aware that you in me makes me different. I froze and I started pushing you to extinction.
Oh! How I tried you know it....
I thought I succeeded until you came back in high school.
When I would look at girls and just go insane, when I had this huge crush for my classmate. Oh! Those lips would take away my sanity. I wanted them so bad but I just couldn't gather the courage.
You really proved your point then and I was afraid you would just become dominant. I freaked a lot at that, especially when i started getting hit on. I knew they started to see you in me.
With the way I was raised, I didn't want that. Especially with how other queers were treated, I feared it.
So I dedicated all my time to books, I went to catechism. Lol. I really did. I got my sacraments and all. I was reading the Bible in church. Hanging out with the priest and sisters.
I would condemn you out so hard for a moment there I thought you were actually gone.
What a rough journey you would say...
As if that wasn't enough I got saved in university, my spirituality was at a 100 if that exists. I would speak in tongues and all those motions of Christians. I was even an official in the Christian union. Trust me that is like the ultimate sign of a strong Christian.
You would think with all this and from the stories I heard that you would be "christian-ed" out of me.
They said it is against the Bible and God didn't approve of you.
They said it was a great sin...
Oh! How I attend the seminars and conferences calling you an abomination.
I even listened to spoken words by people who had acknowledged you but God saved them from you. And now they are married to a guy.
I believed it I really did.
But when I would be chilling with my bff(strong Christian)  and all I could think about is kissing the heaven out of her, fondling those awesomely round boobs and make her call my name. Moaning  out of pleasure. God! I would give it to her.
Then it hit me you are still alive and kicking, and obviously "hungry".
Then I thought of starting to see if the "D"  would make you go away. I dated, had FWBs, boottycalls  at speed dial.
But it only made you more alive in me, then one day it's like there was a coup de tout inside me. And the whole inside of me changed. Whatever was dominant in me you completely overtook.
I suddenly didn't feel anything for a men, but for women I felt a lot of things. Some guy I even had feelings for at that time , they completely went away.
And as if you had planned this all along, I suddenly had loads of friends who are like me.
I must say I have never been so happy in my life, at peace and liberated. You being a dominant quality in me is one thing I will never regret.
I suddenly feel like a caged animal who has been made free after a very long long time.
And trust me, am never trying to push you away, point proven, you are here to stay.
In a country like Kenya, where the LGBT community is small and faces a lot of rejection. I mean just the other day they banned a remix video of same love by macklemore and Ryan Lewis,  made by art attack. Which was bringing out the struggle of gay people in Kenya. Moreover, the other day I even read a story of a girl here who got raped by her colleagues at work. Then they left her a note:
DON'T BE GAY IT'S A FILTHY SIN
That's the country we living in, while others are freely getting married in South Africa and the states. That is happening in Kenya.
It shall be hard but with the happiness I feel with you being a main part of me. We shall make it through.
You are me and I am you.
Always and forever a part of each other.
Nothing will tear us apart, even if we finally decide to come out to our family. And they disown us or something like that.
We have been through it all together and trust me am never letting you go or become extinct in me.
It's you and me my queer self.

Yours with love,

Jarkie.

A means to an end

Hello everyone, it has been long since I posted anything,  I won't lie that I have been busy or anything. It is just that I love posting something that really burns in me. A fellow writer would relate to this,  there is that piece that you can't just let go without writing it. Well, am happy to report I got one.
When I started out this blog I was a staunch Christian, I was those people in Long skirts always carrying a Bible around lol. Whenever I look back I just but laugh, but the point was not spiritual stuff it was just day to day struggles. Many will note the Bible verses I quoted back then, not that I can't quote them now. It is just that I used to do it just to give it a spiritual touch, so my Christian friends don't go rebuking me. You know those right?
Back then I was so much invested in people's opinion, their thoughts of me and what nots. Trust me it's the worst way to live life,  always waiting for approval.
Thankfully though, I have gotten out of that oppressive phase and now am real to myself and I always put my happiness first.
Not to mention, I have greatly matured since then, both as a writer and a person. This blog was meant to be a platform for me to showcase my writing skills and passion. I bet I have been doing just that.
Before this gets too long, this post was meant to be for a different topic. One that I have struggled with for a lifetime. Yes, that long.
It is as vulnerable as it gets and it might provoke all kinds of responses. But, I have thought about it and I have to let this burning piece out. If you don't wish to associate with me, y'all fake friends it's all good. For at the end of the day is about me and what I am as a person.
Mum,am glad you don't know I have a blog cause I ain't ready for you to read this just yet. Although,  if you do it's all good, it will have saved me a very awkward conversation.
To all my relatives who might get to read this, am still the same jarkie.
To all my classmates, I will try and adapt to the awkward looks and weird glances.
To my Christian friends, keep the Bible verses coming lol, I always read them before I delete.
One blogger once said that, there is nothing as freeing as being as vulnerable and as honest as you can get in your blog. And I agree with him 100%,there is just some liberation that comes with it. That's why I wanna do it even though it might turn out bad.
Lemme get right to it. I will write it inform of a letter. But in a different post coming real soon, this has gotten too long. Since am one person who dislikes reading a long post I will make it short you y'all by leaving it at that.
Love you all my faithful readers.