In search

In search of serenity,
In search of an environment far from the one we are used to,
In search for a space to be just a person,
In search of a society that sees no color, no race, no sexual orientation, no physical appearance,
In search for real-life utopia,
A breeze of difference,
A breath of comfort,
A pat on the back,
A wave of happiness.

In search for a different dimension,
In search for freedom,
In search for acceptance in an unforgiving society,
In search for integrity in a corrupt government,
In search for companionship regardless of ethnicity,
In search for education regardless of gender,
In search of facilities regardless of socioeconomic class,
In search of a world rid of tribalism, nepotism, homophobia, transphobia and many more.
A house of hope,
A movement of peace,
A generation built on love, peace and harmony,
A breed of persons seeing only the soul not the shell that hosts it.

In search of a nation that stands together,
In search of a nation rid of patriarchy and heterenormative strings working laws and regulations,
In search of a nation that sees a woman leader as a leader,
A sigh of relief.
A sea of accomplished dreams,
The finish line marked with accomplishment and met goals.
A Different Africa standing on its own,
A continent rid of dependency.

When societal perception gets on your nerves

If you were born where I was born and raised, you would be surprised at the words that come out of my mouth, the thoughts in my head and the things I write. In my world, a woman is raised to the be neck and the man the head; an analogy often used to hid the real intent of patriarchy.  In a home where you are told to look for a good rich man, who will take care of you, and all you have to do is play house and submit.

 “Submit.”  they said.

I don’t understand how women don’t see the intensity of the word, and the actual meaning of it, which to me is just but another form of slavery. I was sitting on a bus in the morning, and the radio presenter was holding a talk on how men are going for uneducated women to marry instead of the enlightened ones. The talk was met with a lot of calls from people complaining of how educated women don’t submit and cater to their needs as they should, that in the modern day women have garnered too much power which is getting into their heads. You would expect the presenter, who was a woman, to conclude the talk with words like,  marriage is a companionship not an employment with one person bossing around the other. Sadly and to my disappointment, she ‘advised’ women to submit to their men, attend to their needs, listen and obey them, since every woman needs a man and no one wants to live alone.

I could not wait to get out of that bus, walking to the office all I could think about is;

What kind of fucked up society raised this person to believe that they have that sort of power?

Who said men are the heads and not the necks?

 Who gave men the standing of the head of the house?

 Who in their right minds saw a woman as powerless enough that she should live her life to please a man?

I was angry, infuriated; I think I was even mumbling some words under my breath as I alighted from the bus. I was raised by a single mother who also believes in patriarchy kind of society and men having ‘one over women,' you would think that is how I turned out. I have always been bitter when remarks such a those made in the radio station are made; I was even madder when my classmate, psychology student, aired the same comments in class, saying education has destroyed women making them think they are equal to men.

Tell me this, in what way are women not equal to men? What way?

Last I checked the only difference existing between men and women are more physiological and less related to power. Just because I have a vagina and you have a penis, it does not earn you one over me, as a matter of fact, this our vaginas have nothing to do with who we are as people.

In high school I was told girls are good at languages so better leave the sciences to the boys, I went ahead and did three sciences and aced them, to show them a girls’ ‘fragile’ brain can also crack organic chemistry even better than boys.

What is my point?

I dream of a day that the society will understand that gender is just but a social construct;

 A day that women will realize they are more than homemakers;

 A day that men will wake up and realize what their ancestors taught them is more of a fallacy;

A day that the society will not see man or woman but just a person;

A day when society will not see wife and husband but just two people that love each other;

Schools that don’t see a male and female student but just a student.

My dream may seem far-fetched, but I think we nee it more than ever especially in our society today.

My ‘Gaycation’ experienc

I was one of those queers that stayed in the closet for so long, the denial created an idea that I was straight and if not straight, bisexual. My come out was in phases, which were themed by a lot of fear of what I would discover about myself. As a matter of fact, I ‘came out’ because I was tired of being in the closet. You know those moments you keep on denying something, like say your laundry, till your closet in empty and the dirty clothes start bugging you, it was my exact experience. I was tired of dating men, where I would be drawn to women more that they did, we would be walking in the streets, and my eyes follow a woman’s ass for so long till the guy starts questioning what is up with me. I was tired of praying this ‘affliction’ out, and it only got worse.

Although coming out is one thing, the other is discovering this whole new community of queers that share passionately about pussy as you are, and there is no judgment whatsoever. The labels, dang it! That shit kept on confusing me, I had to sit down one day and do my research. For a moment I was to ask Google if there is a lesbian manual, which could help me navigate through this new found community. Plus at that moment you don’t want to be the one asking, what a stud is, for the reactions from people always made me feel like less of a lesbian for not knowing. I would say that I was lucky that the first couple of queers I met introduced me to this dope LGBTQI organization, which created a safe space for me to meet people, get to figure out my queer self and even get access to material to help me in the same. I discovered I was so much attracted to the studs more than femmes, which considering I was a tomboy was stigmatized, so I never pursued it. Here I was with this low-key crushes that I could not pursue since I was not confident, I just got here, so I don’t want to lose a friend because of this ‘weird’ relationship and most of my crushes talked ill of the stud for stud relationships. We hit the club one time, and I notice this lovely lady, whom we started dancing with and exchanging a few words on the dance floor. We exchanged phone numbers and got to texting, which leads to my first lesbian relationship that happened hella fast. We went from strangers to partners real quick, quicker than I expected.My first girlfriend gave me the wrong idea of relationships, where since I was the tomboy she assumed that should provide, pamper her, pay her bills and all that. I have mortified because I was just a student, I could barely feed myself let alone spend my money on my girlfriend, so I called it off.

After a couple of relationships that did not last more than three months, I decided to take a chill pill, relax and focus for a real bit. In my period of reflection, I realized I do not give a fuck about labels; I love women however they come and regardless of what their identity. I began to detest the heteronormative mindset behind stud and femme relationships, where I could see studs domesticating their femmes that to me was just an evolved form of patriarchy. Just because you dress a certain way and consider yourself dominate, it does not mean you are in any way superior to your fellow women. I discovered that I don’t want to identify with any label, for I am a free spirit that can not be boxed into one thing. It dawned on me that I should not rush into a relationship, in as much as, women get emotionally entangled fast, that I should take time and get to know someone.

I wish I could tell you that after the discoveries I found myself the love of my life, and we are soon celebration our second anniversary, but it is not the case. I have been single for the longest time, not because there is no one but because I am choosy as fuck. I believe love is not just something that should just be taken for granted and given to anyone. I am one of those old souls that believe in connection, and spiritual sparks, which may be why am still single, a statement I hear a lot from my friends. What most people do not understand is that there is peace in being single, where you are not in a hurry for anything, not desperate, you just want life to play itself out. In other words, I want to see what Cupid has in store for me, and as I wait am making peace with my demons and trying to form an M.O.U with them.

The rants of a hopeless romantic.

Is it wrong that I want the fairy tale?
That I want that love so strong it can melt snow, that I want that love so hot it heats up everything, love so bright it lights more than the sky
Is it wrong that I am a hopeless romantic? I love so deep and loyal to the bone, that I am choosy I have a type but I don't consider her miss right, I don't mind if she has flaws, I have them two, God knows that I love the broken ones.
Is it wrong that my standards are high? That I want someone who gets me and understands what am about. Am a deep human being and I view love in a deep level
Yes, I have given up so many times and just settle but it never lasts... I sit down and my dreams haunt me and the guilt of breaking someone's heart and lying to them kills me inside.
Is it wrong that even after numerous heart breaks I still hope?  I still believe in love no matter how much I deny it,i believe in relationships.
My friends keep asking me why am still single?  Why I let that one go she was nice? Why am not even trying?... If only they knew am trying, just that what I want I don't seem to get.... If only they knew I had many potentials but they just weren't what I want... Am not saying am special, that I deserve only the best, all am saying is I was made choosy and I seem to only be comfortable being single in hope that pretending to be happy in a forced relationship.
Is it wrong to me?
I believe not.
I will keep waiting,my single-satisfied-self will hold on and let life play out.

THAT MATRIMONIAL LOVE WE ONCE ADMIRED.

We exist in a time that love is the word that is just thrown around, relationships are founded on aspects other than love. People replace girlfriends and boyfriends like a meaningless ugly dress you don’t fancy to wear anymore. Fortunately am one of those old souls that still value love and treat it with the respect that it should be accorded. Here is a piece of my heart on it, in the form of a letter:

Dear soulmate,

I know you are out there may be thinking about me and imagining me next to you as much as I am

I know in your mind you are imaginatively jotting down a list of things you hope you will find in me, as I am.

I know it sounds off and rather psychotic, but well in that case cupid got you a psycho for a soulmate

I hope you are saving yourself as I am,

Many have come my way, I have been tempted to settle but I remember that you are out there,

The worst that can happen is for you to find me trapped in a relationship that makes me miserable.

I hope you love watching “The Voice” like I do, cry during playoffs as you connect to the music lyrics

I hope you imagine me when you listen to a perfectly written love song,

I hope you value love as I do not just as a choice of love but as a treasure,

I hope you love watching big bang theory as I do and laugh at the nerdy jokes coz you get them,

I hope life has taught you as many lessons as it has done me,

Am not hoping you are my doppelgänger, but that would be super cool but I don’t think the world is ready for two of me.

I dream about you a lot,                   

The dates we will go to getting to know each other,

How we will meet and click and connect,

How we will hold out until the 5^th date,

How we will lie on grass staring at the moon and stars listening to music,

How we take walks and have deep talks about artificial intelligence and how robots will take over.

Sometimes I think am just a hopeless romantic who is asking the universe for too much.

That maybe the countless heartbreaks and struggle with my sexuality should have taught me something.

A friend of mine reminds me that it's only when I find peace with being single and alone that I actually meet you.

It pretty hard, though, especially when everyone around you has someone to love them.

I try not to compare myself to them and keep focused on the future and building myself; working on my issues and struggles in life.

Surprisingly I strongly feel that my issues would be a big deal to you coz you will have already connected with m telepathically.

I never believed in love really, the whole Eros affair was just a sham to me.

However, instead of becoming more of a non-believer as a result of all the heartbreaks I have gone through, ii have become a believer in a love so strong no one can redirect it or control it.

I have learned to respect love, not to rush it, not to force just let it take its course…it may hurt sometimes but it is all worth it.

So, my love wherever you are, I have loads of nicknames for you, hilarious ones at that

I hope I one day I get to share this with you, my heart poured out in vulnerability.

Is it weird or creepy that I miss you? Guess no maybe you are too.

I will try not to make the mistakes I have made before trying to force someone else to be you because am getting impatient, I will keep on strong though in this world people don’t seem to rally value the word love and its intensity.

I will wait

As I am waiting I will hold on to love though every single love experience I have had is a warning against it.

I will wait even though am forcibly hooked up to people who cannot match up to you.

I will wait for I believe you are out there somewhere, I can feel it deeply and strongly in my spirit.

My biggest prayer of all is that; you will wait for me as well

Yours loving,

Jay.

the truth that is me

all I wanted is for her to say the words once again and to beg once again
all I wanted was to see her pull me towards her and beg do not go just yet
all I wanted was to look into her tear stained face and say I never wanted to leave in the first place
all I wanted to say is you deserve better, a pure soul, a selfless spirit, a kind heart
how you deserve better
am nothing but a pile of broken pieces of what was me
all I wanted to say was I do not really deserve you, you couldn't heal me even if you tried
all I wanted to do is give her what she needed not what she wanted
all I wanted to do is make myself a better person maybe then just maybe I would be half of what she deserves
but all I knew was, I couldn't be that for her
so I left silently hoping the scars that have made me this way will find a healing hand
for all I wanted was to look at the blue sky and dream again
maybe then the pain of letting her go would be a little bit less painful
you would think I would be used to the pain by now
for all I knew were heartache and pain
but I guess pain will never get used to me as I am it
for all I wanted was to sleep and never wake up
all, all......all I wanted was to go to another dimension maybe my doppelganger has a better life there

for all I wanted was to escape the reality that is today..........

Reflections of the day

In life most times you lose things, people, investments that you had high hopes in.
Your "plan A" can crumble into tiny little pieces that are unrecognizable after. Your soul mate may become your worst nightmare. Your billion dollar business may go down the liquidation road.
That's just how life goes sometimes, it breaks us in half though. The interesting thing about it all is even when it all goes down to the drain, you still hope and pray a miracle will happen and make it all come back.
You believe it so strongly every day you drag yourself out of bed with that hope, stay in the dark eating ice cream hoping, watch that favorite sad movie that you have watched a million times feasting on over cooked popcorn.
You even start operating on denial where you operate like everything is okay. But after a few months or years sadly it hits you, it's all gone and lost. You soul mate ain't coming back, you business ain't miraculous going to go back to where it was, the loved one you lost won't come back, the house you are about to lose a rich stranger won't pay off your mortgage.
It's just what we call a fall people, and as much as we talk of getting up after a fall. Most never actually do it, most just give up after.

What if though, we always have a "plan B", easier said than done right?
At the back of your mind try to have room for disappointment, failure, heart breaks, lose of a loved one(s), bankruptcy. Just a place to fall back up to, a safe house to run away to.
It just something I have been thinking about and if only we make it practical. Practice the "plan B"  idea. Am planning on it,and I dare you to try it out too.
All the best dolls.