This institution called marriage

Hello there, it's been long huh? Well just trying to live life to the full. Anyway am back and today I was pondering on a very big issue surrounding our society today. Marriage. Yes the M word.
I know some expect me to talk about the rise in divorce rates, marriages failing within months bla bla bla.... But no.
I don't believe in marriage I lost faith long time ago, I would easily blame it on my parents and the environment but it is what it is.
I was thinking about this institution and it hit me that,  if the person who discovered or invented or made up marriage would be disappointed to see what it has become.
What do i mean?
Well I believe whoever came up with the idea of marriage,  saw it as a way of expressing love.  In that two people love each other so much they give their lives to each other and make a covenant.  A covenant to stick by each other no matter what happens. It was not a ceremony to raise to a new social status,  it was not a ceremony to show off to your people how good a wedding you can through, it was not a ceremony to make your ex jealous that you got married before them.  In any case I don't even think it was meant to a ceremony either. 
It was just a very intimate activity of professing your love and promising to be on each other's side till death do you part. It could have taken even minutes maybe seconds. 
Many may say it's the 21st century but am damned if marriage has no means g nowadays.
It's even sadder the hypocrisy behind it, when you say those vows but in your heart you know you don't mean any of it. You actually know you guys won't even last that long.
To some it's the ceremony that changes sin to a conjugal right. That's why they rush to it before their libido levels kill them.
You ask most of the people in marriage today,  it is just for convenience, for the kids, for the money, for the comfort, for the luxury, for laziness of hitting the dating world again.

It's sad though but as I said it is what it is. I would never forgive myself if I see myself doing that which I detest and see as overrated. Hell I wouldn't be caught dead in a gown. Jesus! How do people move in those things?
For those going down the aisle good reddens to thee..... It's December,, they call it the wedding season so I had to include that.

This is for you

It is against our cultural beliefs, it is against what our ancestors passed on to us. It against what our Sunday school teacher taught us. Hell it is even against the biology that we were taught. However,all this can not be the source of our ignorance, it can not make it deny the existence of it.
Transgender are there even in our small third world country, Kenya. Many may brush it off as just being something that only "wazungu" go through, but it is not.
I might even be stoned for this one but I can not sit back and keep quiet. Every single day we hit the streets protesting against violation of our rights. Children are even taking their parents to court for their rights.
Don't they have rights too?
They are human like us, the only difference is that they feel uncomfortable and unfit in their gender. They didn't chose it nor did they ask for it, but it is their reality. Many have committed suicide because of the stigma we give them.
It saddens my heart deeply and I stop to ask myself, do we have a right to do this to them? Don't we have any shame in all this?
Dating back to Audrey, who transitioned from Andrew,was met with violent criticism from the so called 21st century, open-minded generation. It saddened my heart even further to read her article on how people treat her at work and even the questions they ask.
After watching "I am Cait" the reality show on Caitlyn Jenner, I felt more compelled to write this.
We should take a step back, lose our judgement-self and just learn to listen. Listen to their stories, their emotions, what they have gone through. Try to active that empathy side without clouding it with preconceived prejudices and stereotypes.
Yes its simple as listen with an open mind, empathize not sympathize. Before bubbling out what you think is right or wrong.
On a lighter note this guys are so blessed they get to live two lives..not everyone has that chance. Right?..exactly
#to the transgender community you are loved and appreciated and mad respect for all of you.

Thinking out loud

God created Adam and all the animals and even let him name them. They were a load of animals surrounding Adam but still God looked at him and saw his loneliness. "It is not good for man to alone" He said, and thereafter came Eve. A story we all are very conversant with, the first marriage to ever be recorded. Or was it? They didn't really do the whole vows thing, dowry and taking her hand stuff. But we are meant to believe that was the onset of the chemistry between two people. Am not hear to criticize the bible or anything, I would not even dare. Instead my interest in that chemistry.
I have always wondered what makes one so drown to another, you almost feel like you can not live without them. The issue of love baffles me like a lot. What makes you reach a point of even considering to take a bullet for someone?
All I can say is am still confused on the reasons behind this phenomena of love.
So what really drove me to write this? I was reading a book and the love between this two individuals was impeccable. In that this two would die for each other and with each other regardless. Is it real?or is it just in Kristen Heitzmann's imaginations? That's the author of the book.
The far I have come in my life the experience I have had with love, I wouldn't say I have reached such a point. Frankly even the mere idea of marriage is one I have never given a keen interest. The thought of giving someone the rest of my life, waking up to the same face seems to redundant to me. I am sucker for fixed things that never change. But is it not what God says? Or does He? That we should be married so the activity of intimacy does not remain sin. Does a commitment, a contract even, the vows, the dowry make sex change from sin to a conjugal right?
I don't know how I came to that but let's brainstorm. In this age and time open mindedness seems to take over religious beliefs. Or is it open mindedness or just mere disbelief? 
Some would scowl be for such thoughts but I tend to believe there's freedom of thought in Christianity. And yes I know the bible and what it says am well conversant. But is it not written that we are no longer under law but under grace. Though some would tell me Jesus said he didn't come to undo Moses' law but to build on it.
So then what does marriage got to do with transforming sin to conjugal rights? Is it because we have committed ourselves to God in the presence of many witness? If so if you have that commitment now and again does it make you promiscuous? And where does it even say we just marry, all I see is a woman shall leave her parents and be joined with the man. And there become one, flesh of my flesh ,bone of my bone.
And the million dollar question, is there only one person meant for each one us? The prince after all the frogs? The night in shinning armour after all that were killed by the fire breathing dragon? The one whose kiss will wake miss sleeping beauty. Okay,I watch a lot of animation but you get my point.
My conclusion is I will just continue loving and being loved back, if i ever get whatever people get that they decide to get married I will go for it. If not well I will live as I find diligent to.
That's jarkie for you, over and out.

The analogy of life

Life is not just breathing,it is not just a heartbeat and not just waking up every morning. It is the small little things we engage in everyday, the few or many people we interact with. It is the happy peaks of our lives where we can't help feeling accomplished and satisfied. It is the dark times when nothing makes sense. It is the moments we share with those we love. It is the times with soak our pillows in tears when in pain. It is the times we are so in love we feel like we are floating in the air. It is the episodes we are so heartbroken, we feel worthless.
It is the times we meet new people and get to know them. It is the moments we meet a person whom we click so effortlessly with. It is the seasons we go through hell and back and feel like God has forsaken us. It is the episodes we feel so favored, we praise like there's no tomorrow. It is the dark time we lose our close friends and we have no reasons for it. It is the 'careless-times' we live life on the edge like we are trying to rub it on someone's face.
See life is about the little moments, the phases, the episodes, the feelings and emotions that come with all this. It is about the times we fall so hard we feel like it's rock bottom. It is the way we wake up from a fall, shake the dust off and soldier on.
The short lived special moments in life that make us smile every time, is what I call life. Not to mention the sad times that make us weep every time we remember them.
Life is what you make it, cliché or not it has a lot of content in it. Everyone chooses how to live, even though they feel restrained by their environment. Even those in prison choose how to live out their sentence; some bully others, others get bullied and others turn their life around. So everyone has a choice, choose how you live wisely.
I know a guy who lived his life to the full, he was one of those guys that inspire you to check and change your life around. He lived his life out loud if that makes any sense. Though I feel he was taken from us too soon, I choose to believe God's plan which I don't quiet comprehend yet. But all in all, he had his great moment and a lot of break through in his endeavours. May your soul rest in peace Lawrence Gatimu ..I choose to believe you are in a better place. "Tutaonana baadaye"

Father's day

I did not know it was father's day until I went to church and it was announced. As tradition has it in our church in such a day the leader of the service requests us to text our fathers and wish them a happy fathers day. It sounds like a simple activity to just text but it was hard for me to write the words she said. To me they were not just mere words but words that should come from the heart.
All this got me thinking of this whole father affairs in this 21 st century. Approximately 85% of the people I have interacted with in my life always have this father issues. Be it absent fathers,abusive fathers,passive fathers among others and it causes a lot of sorrow in my heart.
I cannot stop wondering what actually happened to taking responsibility,parenting among other virtues.
The question is where have we gone wrong? Who is to blame for this menace?Bishop TD Jakes once preached a sermon about fathers and he pointed out that,majority of the convicts he has talked to always have issues with their fathers.
It gets me thinking the more this continues,the more irresponsible father we are breeding. The more the irresponsible fathers the more emotionally damaged the children get.
My solution in all this is,it starts with the individual. You are the emotionally damaged child make the decision to be different,to raise your kids different.
It for the guys who have not yet become fathers to purpose in their hearts to be different. To be present,to be there for his child,to help them through life.
I have met guys who have been brought up by absent fathers and they decide to be different in future. To bring up their children in a whole different way than that of their absent fathers. It takes such people to change and annihilate this menace.
Absent and passive fathers have lead to a generation of women that are overly independent, in that they believe they do not need men. Perception of men has been tainted by the fathers that have brought us up. It has lead to a lot of damage especially emotionally to a great deal of people either directly and indirectly.
From another angle if you check out the social media on mothers day, everyone single person is celebrating their mothers. Ironically on fathers day they are few that celebrate their fathers even using their fathers pictures as their profile pictures.
It tells a lot about the perception that  we have held about our fathers. And I would say am no exception for it weren't for this church service I would not have sent that text to my father.
Thus it all starts we each one of us taking up the responsibility to change this situation.

"The one" for you

A fellow blogger of mine posted a blog recently about what he would be to his kid, yes you heard me right a he. In this age and time to me every word i read seemed unbelievable considering what i have seen in the years i have been on earth. Absent fathers, passive fathers, fathers that just bail after the test comes out positive and sadly the abusive fathers.

This blog amazingly enough gave me hope against the whole super woman-feminist i may be trying to be. You see being brought up by a single mother, a part of you wishes to be as she is at list as strong. But another part wishes to have the opposite of what she has.

Unfortunately the wanting to be like her has been winning bearing in mind the experiences i have had and stories i have listened to. Still there is a part that lives on, that holds on to the happy family dream.

As for me am not all about happily ever after but instead a better father to my kid. And this are just some of the things i would want to tell her or him :
I may not have an idea of when you will be born or even where, but i promise to give you an improved version of my upbringing. One thing is for sure i can not throw off some of your grandma's teaching n discipline ways, and i insist on the some for a reason. They made me who i am n improving them will make you better than me.

I promise you a cool and unique name that is for certain, no one can fight that. Most importantly i promise you a good father, see am not a TDH(tall dark and handsome) or BCR(brown cute and rich) kind of girl. I choose to see past all that and into the future.

A father who will be there when you pop out and getting scared of breaking you, one who will be there when you get to roll for the first time. One you will bite when you  grow some teeth, one who will be there when you crawl. One who will hold you tiny Winny arms when you learn to walk. One who will teach you how to ride a bike, nurse your wounds and wipe your tears. One who will learn how to change a diaper and train his weak stomach just to spend time with you. One who will drop you off to your first day to school and tell you all the wise words when you fight so hard not leave home.

One who will scold you when you do wrong but be there to give you a shoulder to cry on as he explains why. One who will tell you to be courageous when the bullies make fun of you. One who will be there to tell all about your first crush for you guys will be that close. One who will take a walk with you to help you through your break up.

One who will stand with you no matter what, one who you will respect rather than fear. One you will run to when he comes from work instead of looking for an excuse to go to your bedroom. One who will embrace you in front of your friends when he tries to fit in. One who will be there even at the lowest of your moments.

I will always be there that is a promise though we might not get "the one" we will still have each other to make us whole. And even though he will not be all that i will do my very best to be "the one" for you.

I might  not find him but know you have me, remember that.

Authenticity the epitome of perfection

I was watching the fault in the stars again, and i love its content and the plot. I learn a lot from it  especially the fact that we are mortal being and we are bound to die one day. My main thoughts include,what will we/i be remembered with?
In this movie there is a part they act out the main character's funeral. His friends prepare a eulogy and he listens to what they will say on his funeral day. Absurd to some as it may sound, i find it wise, a way of introspection and retrospection.
It brings me to think about how i live my life currently, most specifically the kind of friend i am, classmate, daughter among others. Most of us live our lives searching for that person that will understand us, love us despite our imperfection, be there for us no matter what. It's like everyone's visualization  of  Mr/Mrs right,not in terms of spouses but also friends.
All my thoughts converge to a certain point "am i that friend, that person i want others to be?" Don't we all come to the point we conclude that and even write down how we will change.
We all realise this but how many times do we actually put it into serious consideration. Unfortunately we never attain a 10 and most times we get to a 7 and fall right back to a 1 or worse 0. Do we then sulk at the corner and give up on this mission? I doubt it.
We are imperfect in ourselves and no matter what we do or how much we dry we can never be perfect. We may conceal the flaws with plastics or cover the wounds with bandages or conceal the scar and even locket our skeletons in a closet no one will ever find. But the truth is there are there and we know they are.
I feel as though am not making sense but before i continue blabbing,my point is this. The strongest friendships,relationships,partnership and all kind of "-ships" are those that the both of you are aware of each other's flaws, skeletons, wounds.
It may be a cliche or a statement you will find in most literal books but believe me its true. Though hard to achieve more of painful, there are skeletons that really hurt to expose to anyone. Flaws that make you feel vulnerable, pains of yesterday that hurt more when you remember. Wounds that are hate the slightest exposure, but its the cost you have to pay to have a strong foundation.
Some of those scary stuff hidden in the unconscious attic that you never let anyone see, may even destroy the "-ship". Some may even make it forbidden and others make the other person run away. I know all too well, but its more painful looking at the other person's eyes and happiness over what you have and knowing that its all plastic, founded on endless lies. The truth will be the end of it.
Thus its better one friendship or relationship founded on truth than a thousand founded on lies. I prefer one genuine smile than ten plastic ones(pretence).
God himself also urges us to make up our minds what we want to be "..its either you are hot or cold"..." ..you cannot dine with God and demons at the same time".
So make up your mind what kind of person you want to be, how do you want to be remembered. And please plastic smiles and friendships do not go anywhere or profit anyone#just_sayin.

this how i start off 2015

27 days into the new year,and happy new year everyone.
This time am doing it a little bit different, new year with new things right?
well 2014 has been the hardest year i have had all my life in all aspects, socially,spiritually,emotionally and all other aspect even those i don't know exist.its a miracle and by Gods grace that am still alive and having my body in one piece.No, i did not get into an accident or something but it kinda felt like i did.Hit rock bottom with my head first,you can imagine the ordeal.
But hey,it is a new year and am hopeful and trusting more on GOD.

so here is something i feel summarizes my 2014.#a poem from my heart.

This kind of pain is different,not similar to the one i had or have always had of being like the unwanted child.
And not like that of having an on and off father,appearing in my success n disappearing when am in need..a friend in deed?don't you think
Not like the pain of losing a long time friends because they are moving away.
Not like the pain of watching your friend stay high and drunk to erase the problems they face.
Not like the pain of watching a loved one waste way in a hospital bed with your hands tied.
This kind of pain is different not like the one that overwhelms every fiber of your being when you see the casket lowered.
Not like the pain of betrayal,neglect and being abandoned by your own flesh and blood.
Not like the pain of being the black sheep all your life comforted only but the tears that drench your pillow every night.
This pain annihilates all happiness there in,as a matter of fact every positive emotion it dismisses.
It sucks the life out of you leaving you hopeless and lifeless.
All you see is the worst of everyone even when they mean good.
Here Is the worst part,when this pain is bottle up it erupts as an emotional breakdown.........
this kind of pain is poisonous and infectious not to mention contagious.
its rubs off on everyone around you...
this pain is not medical it goes deeper than the physical its in the soul,its in the spirit deep within beyond a cardiologist reach.......
its like a circle its end and beginning is unknown even withe writing about it i don't know how to end....
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