Reflections of the day

In life most times you lose things, people, investments that you had high hopes in.
Your "plan A" can crumble into tiny little pieces that are unrecognizable after. Your soul mate may become your worst nightmare. Your billion dollar business may go down the liquidation road.
That's just how life goes sometimes, it breaks us in half though. The interesting thing about it all is even when it all goes down to the drain, you still hope and pray a miracle will happen and make it all come back.
You believe it so strongly every day you drag yourself out of bed with that hope, stay in the dark eating ice cream hoping, watch that favorite sad movie that you have watched a million times feasting on over cooked popcorn.
You even start operating on denial where you operate like everything is okay. But after a few months or years sadly it hits you, it's all gone and lost. You soul mate ain't coming back, you business ain't miraculous going to go back to where it was, the loved one you lost won't come back, the house you are about to lose a rich stranger won't pay off your mortgage.
It's just what we call a fall people, and as much as we talk of getting up after a fall. Most never actually do it, most just give up after.

What if though, we always have a "plan B", easier said than done right?
At the back of your mind try to have room for disappointment, failure, heart breaks, lose of a loved one(s), bankruptcy. Just a place to fall back up to, a safe house to run away to.
It just something I have been thinking about and if only we make it practical. Practice the "plan B"  idea. Am planning on it,and I dare you to try it out too.
All the best dolls.

A long awaited confession

My dear queer self,
I have always been aware of your existence since I made out with my neighbor(girl) in class two.
Guess you wanted to show yourself present that early huh?
But after sometime, when I actually became aware that you in me makes me different. I froze and I started pushing you to extinction.
Oh! How I tried you know it....
I thought I succeeded until you came back in high school.
When I would look at girls and just go insane, when I had this huge crush for my classmate. Oh! Those lips would take away my sanity. I wanted them so bad but I just couldn't gather the courage.
You really proved your point then and I was afraid you would just become dominant. I freaked a lot at that, especially when i started getting hit on. I knew they started to see you in me.
With the way I was raised, I didn't want that. Especially with how other queers were treated, I feared it.
So I dedicated all my time to books, I went to catechism. Lol. I really did. I got my sacraments and all. I was reading the Bible in church. Hanging out with the priest and sisters.
I would condemn you out so hard for a moment there I thought you were actually gone.
What a rough journey you would say...
As if that wasn't enough I got saved in university, my spirituality was at a 100 if that exists. I would speak in tongues and all those motions of Christians. I was even an official in the Christian union. Trust me that is like the ultimate sign of a strong Christian.
You would think with all this and from the stories I heard that you would be "christian-ed" out of me.
They said it is against the Bible and God didn't approve of you.
They said it was a great sin...
Oh! How I attend the seminars and conferences calling you an abomination.
I even listened to spoken words by people who had acknowledged you but God saved them from you. And now they are married to a guy.
I believed it I really did.
But when I would be chilling with my bff(strong Christian)  and all I could think about is kissing the heaven out of her, fondling those awesomely round boobs and make her call my name. Moaning  out of pleasure. God! I would give it to her.
Then it hit me you are still alive and kicking, and obviously "hungry".
Then I thought of starting to see if the "D"  would make you go away. I dated, had FWBs, boottycalls  at speed dial.
But it only made you more alive in me, then one day it's like there was a coup de tout inside me. And the whole inside of me changed. Whatever was dominant in me you completely overtook.
I suddenly didn't feel anything for a men, but for women I felt a lot of things. Some guy I even had feelings for at that time , they completely went away.
And as if you had planned this all along, I suddenly had loads of friends who are like me.
I must say I have never been so happy in my life, at peace and liberated. You being a dominant quality in me is one thing I will never regret.
I suddenly feel like a caged animal who has been made free after a very long long time.
And trust me, am never trying to push you away, point proven, you are here to stay.
In a country like Kenya, where the LGBT community is small and faces a lot of rejection. I mean just the other day they banned a remix video of same love by macklemore and Ryan Lewis,  made by art attack. Which was bringing out the struggle of gay people in Kenya. Moreover, the other day I even read a story of a girl here who got raped by her colleagues at work. Then they left her a note:
DON'T BE GAY IT'S A FILTHY SIN
That's the country we living in, while others are freely getting married in South Africa and the states. That is happening in Kenya.
It shall be hard but with the happiness I feel with you being a main part of me. We shall make it through.
You are me and I am you.
Always and forever a part of each other.
Nothing will tear us apart, even if we finally decide to come out to our family. And they disown us or something like that.
We have been through it all together and trust me am never letting you go or become extinct in me.
It's you and me my queer self.

Yours with love,

Jarkie.

A means to an end

Hello everyone, it has been long since I posted anything,  I won't lie that I have been busy or anything. It is just that I love posting something that really burns in me. A fellow writer would relate to this,  there is that piece that you can't just let go without writing it. Well, am happy to report I got one.
When I started out this blog I was a staunch Christian, I was those people in Long skirts always carrying a Bible around lol. Whenever I look back I just but laugh, but the point was not spiritual stuff it was just day to day struggles. Many will note the Bible verses I quoted back then, not that I can't quote them now. It is just that I used to do it just to give it a spiritual touch, so my Christian friends don't go rebuking me. You know those right?
Back then I was so much invested in people's opinion, their thoughts of me and what nots. Trust me it's the worst way to live life,  always waiting for approval.
Thankfully though, I have gotten out of that oppressive phase and now am real to myself and I always put my happiness first.
Not to mention, I have greatly matured since then, both as a writer and a person. This blog was meant to be a platform for me to showcase my writing skills and passion. I bet I have been doing just that.
Before this gets too long, this post was meant to be for a different topic. One that I have struggled with for a lifetime. Yes, that long.
It is as vulnerable as it gets and it might provoke all kinds of responses. But, I have thought about it and I have to let this burning piece out. If you don't wish to associate with me, y'all fake friends it's all good. For at the end of the day is about me and what I am as a person.
Mum,am glad you don't know I have a blog cause I ain't ready for you to read this just yet. Although,  if you do it's all good, it will have saved me a very awkward conversation.
To all my relatives who might get to read this, am still the same jarkie.
To all my classmates, I will try and adapt to the awkward looks and weird glances.
To my Christian friends, keep the Bible verses coming lol, I always read them before I delete.
One blogger once said that, there is nothing as freeing as being as vulnerable and as honest as you can get in your blog. And I agree with him 100%,there is just some liberation that comes with it. That's why I wanna do it even though it might turn out bad.
Lemme get right to it. I will write it inform of a letter. But in a different post coming real soon, this has gotten too long. Since am one person who dislikes reading a long post I will make it short you y'all by leaving it at that.
Love you all my faithful readers.

This institution called marriage

Hello there, it's been long huh? Well just trying to live life to the full. Anyway am back and today I was pondering on a very big issue surrounding our society today. Marriage. Yes the M word.
I know some expect me to talk about the rise in divorce rates, marriages failing within months bla bla bla.... But no.
I don't believe in marriage I lost faith long time ago, I would easily blame it on my parents and the environment but it is what it is.
I was thinking about this institution and it hit me that,  if the person who discovered or invented or made up marriage would be disappointed to see what it has become.
What do i mean?
Well I believe whoever came up with the idea of marriage,  saw it as a way of expressing love.  In that two people love each other so much they give their lives to each other and make a covenant.  A covenant to stick by each other no matter what happens. It was not a ceremony to raise to a new social status,  it was not a ceremony to show off to your people how good a wedding you can through, it was not a ceremony to make your ex jealous that you got married before them.  In any case I don't even think it was meant to a ceremony either. 
It was just a very intimate activity of professing your love and promising to be on each other's side till death do you part. It could have taken even minutes maybe seconds. 
Many may say it's the 21st century but am damned if marriage has no means g nowadays.
It's even sadder the hypocrisy behind it, when you say those vows but in your heart you know you don't mean any of it. You actually know you guys won't even last that long.
To some it's the ceremony that changes sin to a conjugal right. That's why they rush to it before their libido levels kill them.
You ask most of the people in marriage today,  it is just for convenience, for the kids, for the money, for the comfort, for the luxury, for laziness of hitting the dating world again.

It's sad though but as I said it is what it is. I would never forgive myself if I see myself doing that which I detest and see as overrated. Hell I wouldn't be caught dead in a gown. Jesus! How do people move in those things?
For those going down the aisle good reddens to thee..... It's December,, they call it the wedding season so I had to include that.

This is for you

It is against our cultural beliefs, it is against what our ancestors passed on to us. It against what our Sunday school teacher taught us. Hell it is even against the biology that we were taught. However,all this can not be the source of our ignorance, it can not make it deny the existence of it.
Transgender are there even in our small third world country, Kenya. Many may brush it off as just being something that only "wazungu" go through, but it is not.
I might even be stoned for this one but I can not sit back and keep quiet. Every single day we hit the streets protesting against violation of our rights. Children are even taking their parents to court for their rights.
Don't they have rights too?
They are human like us, the only difference is that they feel uncomfortable and unfit in their gender. They didn't chose it nor did they ask for it, but it is their reality. Many have committed suicide because of the stigma we give them.
It saddens my heart deeply and I stop to ask myself, do we have a right to do this to them? Don't we have any shame in all this?
Dating back to Audrey, who transitioned from Andrew,was met with violent criticism from the so called 21st century, open-minded generation. It saddened my heart even further to read her article on how people treat her at work and even the questions they ask.
After watching "I am Cait" the reality show on Caitlyn Jenner, I felt more compelled to write this.
We should take a step back, lose our judgement-self and just learn to listen. Listen to their stories, their emotions, what they have gone through. Try to active that empathy side without clouding it with preconceived prejudices and stereotypes.
Yes its simple as listen with an open mind, empathize not sympathize. Before bubbling out what you think is right or wrong.
On a lighter note this guys are so blessed they get to live two lives..not everyone has that chance. Right?..exactly
#to the transgender community you are loved and appreciated and mad respect for all of you.

Thinking out loud

God created Adam and all the animals and even let him name them. They were a load of animals surrounding Adam but still God looked at him and saw his loneliness. "It is not good for man to alone" He said, and thereafter came Eve. A story we all are very conversant with, the first marriage to ever be recorded. Or was it? They didn't really do the whole vows thing, dowry and taking her hand stuff. But we are meant to believe that was the onset of the chemistry between two people. Am not hear to criticize the bible or anything, I would not even dare. Instead my interest in that chemistry.
I have always wondered what makes one so drown to another, you almost feel like you can not live without them. The issue of love baffles me like a lot. What makes you reach a point of even considering to take a bullet for someone?
All I can say is am still confused on the reasons behind this phenomena of love.
So what really drove me to write this? I was reading a book and the love between this two individuals was impeccable. In that this two would die for each other and with each other regardless. Is it real?or is it just in Kristen Heitzmann's imaginations? That's the author of the book.
The far I have come in my life the experience I have had with love, I wouldn't say I have reached such a point. Frankly even the mere idea of marriage is one I have never given a keen interest. The thought of giving someone the rest of my life, waking up to the same face seems to redundant to me. I am sucker for fixed things that never change. But is it not what God says? Or does He? That we should be married so the activity of intimacy does not remain sin. Does a commitment, a contract even, the vows, the dowry make sex change from sin to a conjugal right?
I don't know how I came to that but let's brainstorm. In this age and time open mindedness seems to take over religious beliefs. Or is it open mindedness or just mere disbelief? 
Some would scowl be for such thoughts but I tend to believe there's freedom of thought in Christianity. And yes I know the bible and what it says am well conversant. But is it not written that we are no longer under law but under grace. Though some would tell me Jesus said he didn't come to undo Moses' law but to build on it.
So then what does marriage got to do with transforming sin to conjugal rights? Is it because we have committed ourselves to God in the presence of many witness? If so if you have that commitment now and again does it make you promiscuous? And where does it even say we just marry, all I see is a woman shall leave her parents and be joined with the man. And there become one, flesh of my flesh ,bone of my bone.
And the million dollar question, is there only one person meant for each one us? The prince after all the frogs? The night in shinning armour after all that were killed by the fire breathing dragon? The one whose kiss will wake miss sleeping beauty. Okay,I watch a lot of animation but you get my point.
My conclusion is I will just continue loving and being loved back, if i ever get whatever people get that they decide to get married I will go for it. If not well I will live as I find diligent to.
That's jarkie for you, over and out.

The analogy of life

Life is not just breathing,it is not just a heartbeat and not just waking up every morning. It is the small little things we engage in everyday, the few or many people we interact with. It is the happy peaks of our lives where we can't help feeling accomplished and satisfied. It is the dark times when nothing makes sense. It is the moments we share with those we love. It is the times with soak our pillows in tears when in pain. It is the times we are so in love we feel like we are floating in the air. It is the episodes we are so heartbroken, we feel worthless.
It is the times we meet new people and get to know them. It is the moments we meet a person whom we click so effortlessly with. It is the seasons we go through hell and back and feel like God has forsaken us. It is the episodes we feel so favored, we praise like there's no tomorrow. It is the dark time we lose our close friends and we have no reasons for it. It is the 'careless-times' we live life on the edge like we are trying to rub it on someone's face.
See life is about the little moments, the phases, the episodes, the feelings and emotions that come with all this. It is about the times we fall so hard we feel like it's rock bottom. It is the way we wake up from a fall, shake the dust off and soldier on.
The short lived special moments in life that make us smile every time, is what I call life. Not to mention the sad times that make us weep every time we remember them.
Life is what you make it, cliché or not it has a lot of content in it. Everyone chooses how to live, even though they feel restrained by their environment. Even those in prison choose how to live out their sentence; some bully others, others get bullied and others turn their life around. So everyone has a choice, choose how you live wisely.
I know a guy who lived his life to the full, he was one of those guys that inspire you to check and change your life around. He lived his life out loud if that makes any sense. Though I feel he was taken from us too soon, I choose to believe God's plan which I don't quiet comprehend yet. But all in all, he had his great moment and a lot of break through in his endeavours. May your soul rest in peace Lawrence Gatimu ..I choose to believe you are in a better place. "Tutaonana baadaye"